Crisis Chinuch Panel — Part 1
The Simple Version
Rabbi Jacobson opens with an uncomfortable question: “Why should we listen to Rabbi Russell about parenting when so many of his own kids have struggled?”
Rabbi Russell’s answer is surprising. He says yes — for years, he did feel like a failure. Then his rebbe told him: “If I were Hashem, I’d only give you struggling kids, because I trust you to help them.” His children became his greatest teachers.
The whole conversation is really about one thing: when parents are calm and healed, they can help their kids. When parents are dysregulated and triggered, they push their kids away — even when they think they’re being religious.
The scary part: your own trauma doesn’t announce itself as trauma. It calls itself “Hashem wants” or “the right way to do chinuch.”
How It Actually Works
The Trauma Disguise
“My trauma does not come to me and say ‘hey, you’re Mr. Trauma.’ My trauma says Hashem wants. Torah wants. This is a new liberal progressive generation.”
This is the hardest insight in the video. Your unresolved childhood wounds don’t feel like wounds when they fire. They feel like righteous indignation. The 2-year-old inside you is parenting the 15-year-old in front of you, and the 2-year-old is convinced he’s doing it for Hashem.
The Diagnostic Question
“How well is that working for you?”
When a parent describes their repeated disciplining approach — the yelling, the consequences, the lectures — Rabbi Russell asks this one question. Almost every parent already knows it’s not working. And when a strategy keeps failing but you keep repeating it, chances are it’s coming from your wounds, not from love.
The Ice Cream Parable
A 5-year-old walks to the freezer an hour before supper to grab ice cream. Two parents:
Dysregulated parent: panics. Runs to the fridge. Blocks it with their body. Yells. Threatens. The child experiences: “my parent is at war with me because I inconvenienced them.”
Regulated parent: smiles. Says: “I understand you want one. I’m asking you not to, because I want you to have a good supper. But I’m not going to stop you. If you take it, the consequence is you go straight to bed after supper. Your choice.” Then stays calm.
The child, looking up, receives a message their nervous system stores for life: “my parent’s limits are for me, not against me.” That’s the nervous-system transmission that will eventually allow them to experience Hashem as Av Harachaman — not as a cosmic parent blocking the fridge.
Pause and Breathe
When the rage flares, don’t respond. Pause. Breathe. Slow your speech. Soften your tone. This isn’t a stalling tactic — it’s a way of partially settling your nervous system so the rational adult part of you can come back online before you reply. Rabbi Russell says this one habit changed his life more than any therapy technique.
Key Takeaways
- Trauma disguises itself as religion. If your discipline feels righteous but keeps failing, ask which wound is firing?
- Rules serve structure. Discipline serves rules. Anger breaks the chain and makes the parent look like the enemy.
- Regulated parents transmit “limits are for you.” Dysregulated parents transmit “limits are against you.”
- Pause. Breathe. Slow down. One habit, changes everything.
- “How well is that working for you?” Use it on yourself before using it on anyone else.